Women and erotica: an uneasy relationship

A young lady was once reading a copy of Osho’s ‘From Sex to Superconsciousness’ which she then lent to her teacher. When her male teacher gave it back to her, it was wrapped in a newspaper.

“I thought I was giving it to an open-minded person. But I guess that reflects our social attitude that such books aren’t be read in public,” says Bhushita Vashistha, 23, an avid reader.

Shreya Ghimire, 20, student of Bachelors in Media Studies at Kathmandu University, can testify to that. She read the (in)famous ‘Fifty Shades of Grey ‘in e-book format, but if she had a physical copy, she would take care to ensure that she wasn’t seen reading it.

“People judge you if they see you reading or looking for books with sexual contents,” says Shreya. Women have this uneasy relationship with sex literature even though erotica has been a part of our corpus since ages. If erotica is defined as sex literature which focuses on pleasing the reader (as opposed to discussing sex psychology, sex education, etc), it is very visible in our culture. From the stories of Krishna stealing Gopini’s clothes to those of Mahadev seducing Parvati, it is everywhere. And yet, when erotica is not cloaked in social approval, young women had little access to it.

Sex and sexuality are an intrinsic part of our lives, and young women believe they must be well-informed about it to lead happy lives. But they are never encouraged to seek this information.

“Sure, we’re taught about our body and reproductive functions in class, but most teachers just use vague terms and skip these topics,” Shreya explains how difficult it is to get information regarding sexuality.

Shikha Bagla, 26, a CA student, got her fix from books like the Sweet Valley series and Mills and Boon series when she was younger and recently also read Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, she read them all discreetly, hidden inside her schoolbooks, since she believes her elders did not want her exposed to such contents. She has no qualms admitting she read these books, but people are surprised when she does. “They act like readers of such books are sex crazy or something!” she exclaimed.

There are of course certain sex literatures which can be read without stigma. Apart from religious scriptures, this includes books categorized as “classic”. For example, Shikha read BP Koirala’s works when she was quite young, but it never occurred to her to classify it was erotica, despite their explicit sexual content.

Bhushita, however, is of the opinion that the demarcation between elite and other literature is an artificial one because everyone has their own tastes and needs.

“Just because something is on the New York Bestsellers list doesn’t mean it is good,” she claims.

And indeed, the double standard is quite apparent when you realize that some books with the same content have to be read only when covered in newspapers.

“Sex is a natural thing,” says Bhushita, “and Freud tells us that once you alienate a person from something so intrinsic, you create a person who is nervous, anxious, and easy to manipulate.”

Regulating sex, thus, is a means of social control, and regulating women’s sexuality even more so, which includes limiting women’s access to anything with sexual contents. The result is that the body of erotic literature we have today is geared towards male tastes, which adds to the unease women have with erotica.

First of all, women seek to read erotica with more emotional content, but most erotica focuses on technical details and physical descriptions. Women tend to have a more emotional outlook to love as a whole, and do not see physical relationships as a stand-alone thing as it is depicted in pornography. Hence, visual pornography where sex is objectified does not excite most women.

Secondly, even when they do find emotional erotica, it tends to be misogynistic, even when it is written by women.

“Most of the erotica I find online is written by women,” says Shreya. But it puts her off because the man is always dominant and the woman always submissive in these works. At first, Shreya was attracted to the figure of Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey who was presented as the ideal hero, but upon analysis, she found it unrealistic. “Such books have women bending down on her knees all the time,” she finished.

The roots of misogyny are deep in our culture, and this is what is reflected in our literature too. On the one hand, such literature alienates women in the long run, but on the other hand, they also serve as a historical reference of our social values. “Fifty Shades of Grey is nothing new,” says Bhushita, “historically, women have always been stereotyped in literature, and such books help us understand women’s image in society.”

Women writers who write well, even those who delve into sex, tend to stay away from erotica itself, preferring to discuss other aspects of sex. This leaves the field open for mediocre works that perpetuate damaging stereotypes.

Which is not to say that women cannot find good erotica if they really look for it. Bhushita names the writer Anais Nin as an example, whose writings leave her deeply moved. “Reading good erotica is like watching a beautiful sunset,” says she, “it expands your mind, and swells your poetic being. It exalts you.”

There are many other writers, both female and female, who have done justice to the issue. And all over the world, they are being read discreetly under the blankets, and end up not getting shared as they should. Here is hoping that women find a more comfortable relationship with erotica and are able to explore their poetic and sensitive sides through literature in future.

Women writing sex literature

Sex literature, or the genre that focuses on the psychology of sex and the impact that it has on our lives, has quite a developed tradition among women writers of Nepal. Our beloved writer Parijat had delved into the issue with considerable skills even in those times when there were few women writers of note. Today, with more and more women writers in the field, the genre is stronger than ever before.

Kalpana Bantawa is one such writer whose first book ‘Kayakalpa’ also includes discussions of sex. But she had started discussing the issue long ago when she wrote fan-fiction of Sumnima. She took one line from BP Koirala’s ‘Sumnima’ where Sumnima tells Somdutta that she thinks of him even when she is making love to her husband. Incorporating the idea that a mother’s state of mind during pregnancy is reflected on the child, Bantawa came up with a story where Sumnima’s Kirat child looked like a Brahmin Somdutta. Many people praised her story as bold, and if anyone had anything negative to say about her story, she did not hear of it.

When such ideas are presented to a wider mass, it is natural to get some flak. Anoopam Roshi whose published books include ‘Nango Manchhe’ (naked man) and ‘Kumari Aama’ (virgin mother), believes her writing is not vulgar.

“Writing that doesn’t go beyond mere description of sex is vulgar,” said Roshi, “but I write about how sex is included in our daily lives, and how it affects our psychology.” While she was praised for raising the “bold” subject of unwed mothers, she received a certain amount of negative feedback too.

“You’re so beautiful, you should be a model instead of writing books like these,” some people were heard to comment. Roshi replied succinctly that she knew what she had to do in her life, and came out with a third book, ‘Kalo Chhaya’ which is about Chhaupadi. Roshi is all for wider dissemination of issues like these because she believes that it gives women a way to discuss their limited experiences.

For Kalpana, her writing is about challenging the stereotypes in existing sex literature. “In men’s writing, women are often portrayed as objects of sex. These writings ignore issues like women’s satisfaction or displeasure. There’s no other way to bring these issues to light than for women to write about them,” she explained. She had also written about her first periods, and believes that such issues, though far away from the pleasure aspect of sex, are nonetheless an important part of sexuality. They need to be known and discussed for a full understanding of women’s sexuality.

Another thing that characterizes most women’s writings on sex is its poetic element. Kalapna emphasizes that you should be able to express anything you want to, but in artistic ways.

Anoopam Axl, who is editing a collection of sex stories by both men and women, agrees that women’s writing is more poetic and metaphorical. This also resonates with the qualities that women seek when they look for sex literature: focus on artistry and emotions.

Thus, women’s sex literature in Nepal has leaned towards expressing women’s experiences of sexuality. The focus on the bigger picture has given such writing literary beauty, elevating it from mere titillation.

Women in and on literature

Apart from a few sporadic exceptions, Nepali women have not been writing literature for very long. But women have been depicted in literature for as long as literature exists, and this has created a lopsided representation of women in literature.

“Women are always portrayed through male subjectivity,” says Archana Thapa, who had edited a collection of personal narratives by women. “And since men imagined femininity in a way they thought was proper, it resulted in a sanitized view of women.”

Indeed, ideal women have always been portrayed with certain qualities like nurturing, caring, patient, etc, which is far from the way most women behave in real life. Literature praises such women, for example, by saying that where women are worshipped, there the gods are happy (Manusmriti). But since only women who fit into a narrow definition were praised, this served to regulate women’s behavior according to the sanitized view of femininity idealized by men.

Other qualities like independence and free will were punished in literature, erecting unachievable standards for women in daily life. Writer Momila believes women have not been given social justice in traditional literature, even though such depiction served to keep families together in its time.

Now with more and more women writers in the field, the trend is changing, and we see more realistic depictions of women in literature, warts and all. Archana believes that such a process empowers women. They get to acknowledge who they are apart from their social definition, and it gives them a way to challenge the traditions that bind them.

While women writers feel empowered by their writing, their writing as a whole comes under criticism for revolving around petty issues. Many believe it makes them less impactful than men’s writing, because women do not deal with big ideas as men do. Perhaps for that reason, some women writers refuse to be identified as “woman writer,” and will respond only when addressed as “writer.”

“At the end of the day, we are all human, and if we all wrote from that core of our being, maybe our writings would be similar,” says Momila. “But women experience the world in different ways than men, and this reflects in their writing.” By sidestepping the question of their gender, certain women writers are also negating the importance of the impact of women’s unique experiences in literature.

In fact, it is women’s unique experiences that give their writing a distinct identity, and does not take away from their quality of writing at all. Popular writers like Parijat are respected for astute portrayal of gender issues. Noted writer Banira Giri believes that women have the incredible power to understand human beings,” she says. “They go through so much pain in their life that it makes them sensitive to the feelings around them.”

“All of us find meaning in our private spaces, even men,” says Archana. So, skillful analysis of private spaces is something that any writer can be proud of, whether male or female.

Hence, criticism about the content and skills of their writing does not bother women, but many other external barriers do. Most women find it difficult to find time for writing because of their household duties.

“You have to make sure your family is happy, give enough time to everyone,” says Banira. But if you have the “insect” of writing inside you, write you must, even though it may take extra effort.

Emerging writer Kalpana Bantawa also feels that publication of your work depends on how connected you are to the publisher.

“Often I don’t get response from male editors when I send in my submissions,” she said, while she observed that male colleagues with good connections were getting published every other week. Since the media is still heavily dominated by men and women socialize lesser than men, this makes it hard for women to get their writing a fair chance of being read.

But still, women writers do not lose hope because they are confident about the quality of their writing.

“When you have talent, nothing can stop you,” says Banira. “You must write honestly, and if you do so, you writing are more Satya (true) than the stories of Satya Narayan.”

Published in Republica on September 19