Good Girls/Bad Boys

It is said that men want a good girl who is bad only for them, and women want a bad boy who is only good for them.

When young, educated and beautiful Nihita Biswas declared her feelings for the convicted murderer Charles Shobhraj, the world was in shock. Many suspected that it was a ploy for publicity.

But not just Nihita, a lot of women are attracted to “bad boys,” though they may not be bad on the scale of Charles Gurumukh Shobhraj.

Manushi Singh, 29,* is a gentle person who finds it hard to raise her voice at anyone, and was a hardworking student at school who never got in trouble. As a child, she developed a liking for a friend. True to the characteristics of the typical bad boy, her crush was self-absorbed and did not give her emotional support. But still, Manushi spent much of her second decade pining over him.

In retrospect, her actions seems illogical to her, she considers the decade of her emotional efforts wasted. But back then, they made perfect sense.

“Me being an introvert, I was attracted to his confidence and extroverted personality,” says Manushi as she tries to remember what motivated her then. “He was everything I wasn’t. I hoped that by being with him, I too would change and learn to express myself, experience new feelings.”

Many young girls echo Manushis’s feelings. Society expects girls to be good, which curbs their desires for fun, romance, adventure, daring. Bad boys provide a way to break out of this limited mold.

“At that point, I felt that it was my way of of rebelling,” says Manushi. Tame coffee dates pale in comparison to the thrills they provide, whether it is riding through a jungle or a secret midnight meeting. Besides, it is a surefire boost of confidence to be desired by someone who is popular, as bad boys usually are. They come across as confident, strong personalities, which is very attractive.

Nikki Shakya, 33, another typical good girl who came first in class, hated the boy who came in second. Even in grade 9, he was very popular with the girls, and to Nikki he seemed to be a showoff. He did no care much for rules. And yet, she confesses that she must have been subconsciously attracted to him, because when he admitted his love for her, she accepted. One of the incidents that made an impression on her was that when they were still in school, her boyfriend warned a teacher, who seemed interested in her, to stay away. “If you feel safe with a person, it’S attractive” says Nikki.

Studies have consistently shown that women find men who possess the “Dark Triad” characteristics – narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy – highly attractive. Narcissism and Machiavellianism are negatively associated with agreeableness and emotional sensitivity, which fit our traditional image of masculinity. Besides, it gives them an aura of mystery which amps up the desirability quotient.

“Everything they do, the clothes they wear, the behavior they exhibit, are almost like a natural aphrodisiac,” says Nikki who is a Staff Grade Psychiatrist at National Health Services (NHS), Sheffield, UK.sHE is happy with her bad boy who is still spontaneous and impulsive as before.

But the attraction to bad boys may have a dark side for many others. There are many women who go for men with criminal tendencies.

Such women are seen to do so for the material benefits, like money and lavish lifestyle. But there are many internal causes behind such choices, and our background has a large role in shaping our romantic choices, whether criminal or otherwise. Women with a history of trauma or loss in the family go for similar men. It may be that one of her ancestors was attracted to a similar man, or that there was such a man in her family.

“Women with indifferent or abusive fathers grow up knowing only that kind of men,” says Karuna Kunwar, Psychologist at the Center for Mental Health and Counseling. Our romantic choices are deeply connected to our past. “This is the only language they understand,” informs Nikki. And in fact, such women may be uncomfortable around nicer men.

Karuna also informed that the genetic makeup of one woman gets passed down through generations, and a woman subconsciously shows loyalty to her ancestor. However, the passing of genetic code may be selective, so only one out of four daughters may imitate her mother’s life choices. It may also skip generations, and a grandmother’s tendencies may show up only in the granddaughter.

Some women extricate themselves from this cycle, and some don’t. “The brain is still developing until you are 28 years of age,” informs Karuna. So a lot of women learn to analyze the bad decisions they made in teenage. But others fall for the same kind of men again and again, and are unable to extricate themselves from abusive relationships.

The cycle of love, fear and threat is one thing that binds women in such relationships. The man in question does express love to the woman in one way or another, and the woman keeps going back to the memory to confirm that she is loved. She fears that she may not get the same things elsewhere, and in men with criminal tendencies, threats are also part of the equation. “The woman reasons that since she’s definitely loved, everything the man does, even the threats, he does out of love for her,” explains Karuna.

Such relationships, though they may appear abnormal to outsiders, make perfect sense to the woman in question. For example, former beauty queen Khusbu Oli was recently in the news for her affair with a noted gangster. She claimed that she was going to change him and convert him to a good person, which she had also claimed of her former boyfriend who used to be a drug addict.

“Society tells us that women have that power to change men. Since this is what teenagers see in popular media, they tend to believe they have that capacity too,” says Karuna. It also boosts her confidence, self-image, and self-esteem if she is able to accomplish it. But often, it is seen that women are instead left disappointed when the man in question does not change. “If a woman changes five out a hundred men, it’s no more than coincidence,” says Karuna. “More often than not, women lack the technical skills to perform this kind of change.”

With bad boys, there is always the risk of danger, whether emotional or physical. But often, the danger is just part of the thrill. When Nikki went to Pokhara with her boyfriend without letting their parents know, she was definitely scared. But just the fact he flew her so far away without telling anyone was a thrill, which bonded her even more to her boyfriend. In the words of George RR Martin in his book A Dance with Dragons, “You could plant seeds in mud and grow a crop. Mud will nourish you. Fire will only consume you. But fools and children and young girls will choose fire every time.”

The Dark Triad

A collection of the following personality traits, at a high rate, is believed to be very attractive to women. But high concentration of such traits is also associated with criminal behavior.

Narcissism

Named after the mythical Greek character Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection, Narcissism is defined as obsession with self, ego, and vanity. Such persons are very self-centered.

Machiavellianism

This personality trait gets its name from the Italian historian Machiavelli, renowned for his cunning strategies. This trait is distinguished by manipulation, double standards, and competitiveness.

Psychopathy

This difficult to spot trait is characterized by a lack of empathy and conscience. But psychopaths are known to appear normal and even charming, which means they are not easy to identify.

Published in Republica on August 22, 2014