In a manner of speaking: brutal honesty versus soft skills

“I was raised right – I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.” 

Kathy Griffin, American actress and comedian

Jessica Sharma*, 19, is a child of Nepali parents and was born and raised in the US. Every time she comes to Nepal, she is faced by a barrage of bad manners (as defined by Kathy Griffin).  People have no qualms telling her to her face about her undesirable weight, and sometimes too Americanized manners. “They look at me and ask if I eat my sister’s share,” says Jessica, whose younger sister is quite skinny. But at the opposite end, her mother, who had decided to shape up by exercising, is asked if she lost weight due to diabetes.

Jessica is tired of such extreme comments about personal issues. “Maybe it is a way of socializing, but such brutal honesty is hard to adjust with,” she laments.  

Indeed, how often have we walked into a room with a new outfit, only to be told that it does not suit us? We are all used to those unsolicited comments about personal taste in hair, makeup, books, movies, and even relationships. 

But whether or not we find such personal comments offensive also depends on the cultural context. Rudra Pandey, 50, has lived in the US for more than twenty years, but travels to Nepal several times a year. “Here in Nepal, we get too personal and start talking about weight, property, etc,” he says. Rudra has noticed that in Nepal these topics are normal and some people even like being asked about such things. But in the US, “If you meet someone in the elevator, you talk about the weather,” says Pandey. Such a neutral topic is in no danger of offending anyone. 

Such consideration, however, may be rare to find. Bride to be Sarina Manandhar,* 29, was coached on personal manners by someone she had considered a friend. “I was just telling this friend about the issues I had in my marital life,” says Sarina, “when he instead turned on me and started advising me on how to conduct myself at my in-laws’ place, how to be subservient to my husband, and how to behave so that my husband is not slighted in public.” And this included a tattoo she had got just before getting married: he believed she should have gotten her fiancé’s permission before getting herself inked. Such personal comments turned Sarina off from her friend, especially since they were unsought. 

In personal life, such comments may simply sour relationships for a while, but in professional life they may prove to be disastrous.  As CEO of Deerwalk Inc., Rudra coaches his employees on avoiding such issues. “Wherever you work, you work in a group,” he explained. “You are either leading a group or are cooperating with others. And if you do not know how to deal with people, you cannot progress in the workplace.” 

For Rudra, the key is to present yourself in a manner that is liked by the other person. Though manners may be dependent on culture, making the other person feel good is a universally admired skill. “Don’t ask too many personal questions, respect others, and talk well of them,” are some of his handy tips. 

These tips work most of the time but backfire sometimes because of our discomfort with complements. Whenever anyone praises Shaili G.C., she either blushes, or turns the complement back on the giver, telling them they must have got it wrong. Not just Shaili, but many people are in the habit of dismissing compliments. They may completely ignore compliments, or go to lengths like insulting themselves (how can a person like me be so good?) or transferring the credit to something else (it must be the lighting) to avoid being complemented. 

“Inferiority complex kicks in, and I wonder if the other person really means what they say,” says Shaili, 29, a software professional. Besides, there is also the issue of modesty. “There is the pressure to be humble,” Shaili explained. Since we are brought up to be self-effacing and not appear vain, we are afraid that accepting a compliment may look like we are praising ourselves.

Rudra actually lists modesty as a good trait. “If you go to an Ivy League school, you are not supposed to boast about it,” he explained. “You also need to let the other person talk and give them the opportunity to ask you questions.” But modesty, when taken to unnatural lengths, can again be damaging as seen in Shaili’s example.

Avoiding offence and maintaining modesty at the same time is a fine balancing act. Several organizations have sprouted in Nepal that coach people on these skills in the professional arena. Raju Adhikari, an administrator at Soft Skill Training Nepal, explains that they provide interpersonal trainings of various natures, but that progress was slow. “It takes longer time to develop soft skills than core professional skills,” says Adhikari. “It is not like learning computer skills, which are measurable. Years may pass before the results show.”

At a personal level, the learning of such skills is not even measurable because it means the shift of an entire culture, and that is a slow process. Some day we may all learn to speak without offending others, but until then, it may be helpful to keep in mind an etiquette tip for Victorian ladies: “No topic of absorbing interest may be admitted to polite conversation. It might lead to discussion.”

How to give complements

·        Be specific

Generic words like “good” or “nice” lead the other person to believe that you are just saying them for the sake of saying something. If you specify the thing you like most (the color of their top), it will make you sound sincere.

·        Avoid comparisons

Comparing the recipient’s many attributes and complementing only one (I like your red top more than the blue one) may reduce the value of the complement, so it is best to avoid it.

·        Avoid judgments

When you judge the recipient’s decision (I would not have liked it if you wore the red top to a meeting, but it looks fine today), you imply that the complement is only valid because it meets your standards. 

How to take complements

·        Say Thank You

You may not believe that the other person genuinely means what they say. But if someone makes the effort of going out of the way to make you feel good, the least you can do is return the courtesy by saying thank you.

·        Be Specific

This tip is as useful to the receiver of the complement as to the giver. Point out what exactly you like about their complement (Thank you, I am glad you appreciate my effort).

Published in Republica on August 8, 2014