Gandharvas: Sarangi players of Nepal

Everyone knows of Bise Nagarchi, the tailor who gave Prithvi Narayan Shah a single coin and inspired the king to collect money from all his subjects to aid him in war.

But few know of Mani Ram Gaine who aided the king in more subtle ways. He was a singer, and he would go from place to place singing the glories of the Gorkhali king so that by the time the Gorkhali soldiers came around, the people were already enamored of the hill-king.

Secretly, Mani Ram was even more.

He not just disseminated information but also gathered it for the King, making it easier for Shah to plan attacks. And finally, when an attack was imminent, Mani Ram would gather the people of a village at one place and start singing, setting a perfect target for the Gorkhali king.

The Gandharvas, a caste of singers to which Mani Ram belonged, believe Mani Ram’s role in Shah’s conquest was as important as Bise’s, if not more. But while Bise’s material contribution is remembered, Mani Ram’s artistic contributions were thought of as inconsequential or even frivolous in times of plenty, and slowly forgotten.

In their own stories that do not make it into the pages of history, Gandharvas continue to valorize their people. They tell stories of a princess who fell head over heels in love with a Gandharba. They remember their history in the Mahabharata where Devas and Gandharvas are children of the same mother, where Arjun learnt the art of singing from Gandharvas in heaven (which he used to disguise himself as an eunuch when in exile), where revered sages like Narad were proud to learn from Gandharvas, where Gandharvas shared the heavenly court with Devas and Apsaras, and fought on the side of truth with the Pandavas.

From this glorious history, Gandharvas somehow fell to the bottom of the caste pyramid where they now reside as ‘Dalit.’ Caste consciousness is deep in their psyche, and the Gandharvas, who consider themselves descended from a rishi (sage) called Gandharba, have endless theories about how they came to be dalit.

Some believe it is because of their own behavior. “Dalit are those who don’t bathe, are dirty, and get drunk. If we get drunk all the time, what can we be but Dalit?” asks one of them.

Another believes that Gandharvas lost their status due to the cunning politics of Brahmins, while yet another tells a story about a king who was dividing the rights of his people. The Gandharba arrived last because he was busy singing and flirting, and all the spoils had already been divided. It then fell to his lot to beg from all the others.

Even from this position of dalit, Gandharvas continued to play an important role in society. Before mass communication, they were the ones who made songs out of new and current events and carried it from village to village.

Krishna Bahadur Gandharva, 53, who has been wandering in the villages of Gorkha for more than 40 years, understands this function only too well. People are eager to hear these stories, especially those who can relate to the situations.

“Sometimes women cry when they hear songs of hardships women face,” he remembers. These stories not only updated them but also provided cathartic release.

“To be a Gandharba, you need to know the psychology of the people,” says Krishna. According to their mood, he plays humorous songs, religious songs, songs of bravery and heroism, karkha (genealogy of kings), vedana (songs of sorrow), and other genres. And he also claims to know at first sight if a person is sinful or virtuous, because it comes with being a Gandharba.

Gandharvas are also rumoured to be Tantrik (magicians). “We can control the weather in all directions for five kosh,” says Krishna, who is himself one such Tantrik. “We can make it rain, we can protect the environs. After the evening song called Sanje (or Sandhya to be grammatically correct) is played, you can sleep in peace, and no ghosts will disturb you.”

Many of these arts are lost today. Since the advent of modern communication, people do not need Gandharvas to carry news, and nor do they need singers to entertain them when they have mobiles, Internet, and TV. Instead, people increasingly began telling Gandharvas that they should work for their living instead of “begging.” Krishna also partly blames “party and politics” for the waning hospitality in villages.

“There were times when gaines were welcomed everywhere with food, shelter, and gifts. Today, they will first ask you of which party you are, and if you are of the wrong party, you may even be beaten up,” he warns.

It is no wonder then that Gandharvas entered the city in droves while their children have gone for modern education and learn music only as a hobby. Due to lack of audience, Gandharvas in Kathmandu are forgetting traditional songs. 

Once upon a time, parents asked a prospective son-in-law if he could sing, and only gave their daughter to him if he could, which reassured them that he could earn a living. But today, no one can sing Pingul—the Gandharvas’ most powerful song akin to the Veda. It lives only in myths. Also lost are the 36 ragas and 36 raginis that true Gandharvas are supposed to know. They sing newer folk songs instead: Resham firiri is on top of their list, and they scour the streets of Thamel looking for buyers of Sarangi.

Most of them supplement their income by singing in restaurants. The restaurants have no space for traditional Gandharba songs; they demand new folk songs and sometimes Bollywood songs. Even their instrument has changed: they continue to use teak and mahogany to make the body of the sarangi, but instead of animal intestines, badminton strings are used to make sarangi strings.

Gandharvas, though very conscious of conserving their art and culture, are nonetheless positive about these changes. For many, the singing profession was a compulsion because they had no other option. But today, through education, they have other options of livelihood. Krishna’s two sons are in France and Norway, and his two daughters are into tailoring and nursing respectively.

Besides, these changes also mean a slow reversal of the class structure that Gandharvas want to break free of.

“In our times, if a Brahmin found a son singing in the forests, he would be chastised for ‘singing like a gaine’”But today, Ramkrishna Dhakal, a Brahmin, makes his living by singing,” says Arjun Gandharba. Manoj Gandharba joked that people of other castes were taking over their occupations, but he too seemed pretty happy that the playing fields were becoming more level for everyone.

One example of the modernization of Gandharvas is the Gandharba Culture and Art Organization which was founded in 1995 and works to promote the interests of Gandharvas. It has published CDs and documentaries, and members of the organization hope to publish more if finances permit. It has also trained a lot of non-Gandharvas to play Sarangi. Today the organization receives people of all ages, castes and nationalities interested in the traditional arts of the Gandharvas. Though the old songs are lost forever, the future of Gandharva music itself seems secure with new generation enthusiasts.

Novels that could be short stories

Have you ever felt a novel going on and on for too long? Can’t stand the irrelevant developments but feel compelled to finish because you want to know what happens in the end? Felt like if a few parts were snipped here and there, it could make better reading? The Week has compiled a list of some such novels that could do with a little bit of editing, in our opinion.

The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

After Jhumpa Laihiri wowed the reading world with her collection of short stories, her first novel was eagerly anticipated. There is no doubt about Lahiri’s writing skills, whether in long form or short, but perhaps she is a tad more skillful in the short form. Because at the end, the point of her novel is contained in the first few chapters and the very last one, and even if you skipped everything that happened in between, you would not miss much. And add to it the fact that this novel was initially a novella, and was developed into a longer work after positive responses, and you start wondering why Lahiri did not stick to the shorter form!

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

The Road has been hailed by many groups of experts, writers, environmental scientists, and philosophers for a realistic portrayal of a post-apocalyptic world. McCarthy has described vividly the horrors of a world without resources, where evil does not seem bad any more, and where a person can do anything to survive. How a father struggles to shield his son from these horrors forms the core of the story. But the problem is that it does not have much of a plot. Conversations between the father and his young son repeat the same theme of barrenness and hopelessness over and over again, and sometimes even the same phrases. The work would probably have been crisper and even more effective if it was shorter.

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

This is the third part of the Hunger Games trilogy, with the first and second parts being Hunger Games and Catching Fire. After a thrilling start and a mediocre transition, the Hunger Games Trilogy ends with a whine. Many readers have complained of how they found it hard to follow the story as it meandered and got stuck in irrelevant details. There are pages and pages of descriptions about wars, unfamiliar places, scientific terms the writer made up on the spot to complicate the story (or so it seems), and you wonder if it could not be told more concisely. Gathering just the important turning points of this novel would make a fine short story or novella.

As the Crow Flies by Jeffrey Archer

This is the story of a young boy, son of a wheelbarrow hawker, who goes on to create a retail empire. In contrast to the title, Archer wanders hundreds of (symbolic) miles away from the story, detailing the ups and downs of supporting characters’ lives. It is all quite riveting, but as you get towards the end, one by one all but the central characters fade away from the story, making you wonder why you wasted so much time and emotions on characters that do not matter. The entire book is just a prelude to the denouement, and preludes should be much shorter than 400 plus pages, we believe. Archer should have taken the book’s title more literally and gotten straight to the point.

Land Where I Flee by Prajwal Parajuli

Like The Namesake, Land Where I Flee is the first attempt at long fiction by an author whose short stories had been acclaimed. And like Lahiri, this is another writer who expresses better in short form. This book tells the story of a wealthy grandmother and her varied brood, each of whom has their own closet full of skeletons. But then, the sketchy development of these characters is more suited to short stories than a novel, and the resolution, when it comes, is not as satisfying as you would expect after reading so many pages. The story of the grandmother, which forms the core of the novel, could have been told much more succinctly in short form.

Summer Love by Subin Bhattarai

Bhattarai, though a successful short story crafter, could not carry the momentum in his first novel. Young love is sweet, and you want it to go on and on. But if the love is not yours, you don’t want it to go on for ever, as it does in the book. After the first twenty pages, basically nothing much happens except graphic descriptions of many, many dates the protagonists go to, the circumstances in which they happen, and the details of how they manage to hide it from their families. Finally, there is a twist in the last twenty pages, but it is again interspersed with monologues that do nothing to further the story. Pruning it all away would leave only a story, shorter but more readable.

Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer

There are many many versions of the Twilight Saga written by its detractors, and all of them are much shorter than the original books. For example, here is a synopsis of the second book New Moon: “Edward goes away from Bella’s life. Bella is sad. Edward comes back.” And when you think about it, there is nothing else that you can take away from the book. Similarly, each of the four books in the series can be summarized in a paragraph at most, and the entire series can be condensed to a short story. If you can live with the hate mail from die-hard Twilight fans, that is.

All of Chetan Bhagat’s novels

Bhagat’s novels are full of wit and sparkle. But even sparkle starts to dim if you look at it too long, and that is exactly what happened to Bhagat’s work. Novel after novel is filled with the same plot, in the same setting, and populated by the same characters. The characters even have the same nuances, right up to the little gestures they make: the unattractive hero who gets the girl, the attractive girl who is a superwoman in disguise, and the Greek-God sidekick with hidden traumas. If each of these novels were condensed to a shorter form, maybe Bhagat could eliminate these repetitions. Alternately, Bhagat could stop treating his publisher like a book factory and space out his products.

Flourishing romance tourism

Taudaha, which lies on the way to Pharping, is quite some distance from the outer limits of the city. But it is a very popular hangout destination for youngsters. The road is admittedly scenic, and the lake itself as pretty as it could be. But a signboard that used to stand on the premises spoke eloquently about the major attraction of Taudaha, above and beyond its beauty.

The approximately 4x8’ sign forbade patrons from indulging in amorous activities. It went on to give graphic illustrations of the activities and the fines they entailed: Rs. 1,500 for hugging, Rs. 2,000 for kissing and Rs. 500 for entering in school dress. The signboard has long since disappeared because the wind tore it away, but was only mildly effective when it was present.

“Those who are civilized took the hint, and those who do know the value of morality still continue to exhibit these antics,” said Parvati, a local who mans the counter from time to time.

Deepa Karki, another counter staff at Taudaha, is witness to many couples engaging in handholding, hugging and kissing, and sometimes more. Dating spots like these are found aplenty all over Kathmandu, but what makes Taudaha stand out is its restaurants. Making use of the ample space around the lake, each restaurant has set up a dozen or so of little cabins which cannot fit more than two persons by any stretch of imagination.

Couples are forced to seek private spaces like these because in public, they become the cynosure of hostile eyes. Poet Anoopam Pokharel, 26, recounts an incident when he was spending time with his girlfriend in a park, and was harassed by a policeman who threatened to publish their photos in the newspaper. Luckily, Anoopam and his girlfriend were unafraid, and his girlfriend even got up and told the police to take her to the police station if he dared. That was the end of that incident, but Anoopam shares that couples walking together face harassment from everyone, including police, passersby, and even beggars.

Even in private spaces like hotels, the socially defined rules hound couples. Writer Sujit Basnet* had once gone to Chitwan with his friends. While their hotel room was being cleaned up, they and another group waited outside. After a while, a young man and a woman emerged from one of the hotel rooms. The couple was visibly discomfited at the sight of so many people, and the young man started addressing the woman as “Shreemati!”

Immediately, Sujit and his friends burst into laughter. The response was more drastic from the nearby table. “Bullshit!” someone shouted, “who calls their wife shreemati?”

The couple stalked off angrily, but the incident stuck in Sujit’s mind. The couple had taken the room for a very short time, and now Sujit analyzes that they must have been a romantic couple desperate for privacy. “It’s no secret that many hotels also double up as love nests,” he said.

Couples go to such lengths to prove they are married because unmarried couples face harassment from the police even in private spaces like hotels, where the police randomly conduct raids to root out “immoral behavior.” When questioned about such harassment, Nepal Police spokesperson SSP Ganesh KC replied that the police are liable to take action against “immoral activities,” which includes any amorous activity, whether private or commercial.

SSP Hemanta Bahadur Pal, spokesperson at the Metropolitan Police Commissioner’s Office, defended the actions of field officers, stating that they only conduct raids if someone notifies them about immoral activities.

“We leave private activities alone,” he claimed, “except when other citizens complain about them.” He stated that even though there are no particular laws concerning behavior in public, the police are bound to intervene in activities that are not acceptable to contemporary society.

Software developer Badal Singh*, 34, is well aware of the need to hide such unacceptable activities from society. He remembers his days of hopping cabin restaurants with fondness, describing his activities as “harmless fun” and “nothing too big.” He went there because he did not want to be seen, and as a teenager, never gave a thought to morality.

But today he believes that although his activities were not immoral, intimacy should still be private because society places a large premium on women’s character. He would not have liked his girlfriend to face problems because of him, so he thanks the restaurants for providing them a place to indulge in activities unacceptable in public.

At the other end of the spectrum, there are Deepa and Parvati Karki who disagree with the statement. To Parvati, these activities are indicative of “uncivilized” and “immoral” people, which embarrass them and the rest of society.

Over and over again, the question of morality comes up, which seems to be at the center of this debate, of what level of display of affection is accepted in public and what is not. The tolerance limit for amorous activities varies from person to person. For Anoopam, intimacy is something very natural, but social restrictions have made it seem unnatural and immoral.

“The guardians of these restrictions make life difficult for people like us,” he concludes.

The ones who benefit from this situation are the cabin restaurants which have everything to gain by providing youngsters with what they want. Anoopam, a veteran of such restaurants, describes the staff’s behavior as always courteous and respectful.

Regarding morality, the restaurants take a pragmatic approach to the whole situation. For Nirajan Thapa, proprietor of Mid-Point View Restaurant at Taudaha, the restaurants are the need of the day. His restaurant has open tables for groups as well as little wooden cabins that he admits are for couples. To him, couples are normal customers like anyone else.

When questioned about the morality of his business, he sidestepped it by stating that every story has multiple sides, and each side is valid. But since he also acknowledged that he spent a lot of time in restaurants like these when he went out, it was clear which side he was on.

Like his customers, Nirajan too is sometimes harassed by the police.

“From time to time, we get directives to close down cabin restaurants,” he complained.

Cabin restaurants have long been associated with prostitution, which has given them a bad name and made them the target of law enforcement. But Nirajan is clear that his restaurant is far away from prostitution, and his cabins are simply for the convenience of friends and families.

But that is not just it. By now, restaurants are quite attuned to the needs of their customers, and are on alert to fulfill them without being asked. Sujit recounts that whenever he goes out on drives with his girlfriend, restaurant staff approach him and whisper in his ears that rooms are available even if they only want to have tea there. And this has happened invariably wherever he has gone, from Daman to Bhotechaur to Sanga.

Sujit has become accustomed to these questions and has come to expect them. Not so with his girlfriend Slesha* who wished they would tone down their approach.

“It would be very awkward for people whose romance is just budding and who have no greater intimacy in mind than holding hands,” she protests.

But to hope that restaurants be less enthusiastic may be wishful thinking for now. With changing times, our moral values are changing, and for young people it is no big deal to indulge in intimacy before marriage.

But society has not changed with them, which forces them to look for places where they can avoid the social eye. As long as hotels provide these facilities without moral judgment that the rest of the society inflicts, youngsters will continue to be attracted to such places. Romance tourism looks set to flourish in Nepal for quite a while.

*Names changed to protect privacy.

Drink and or drive

A roomful of adult men sit obediently in rows of benches resembling a classroom. They watch intently as they are shown video clips of vehicles ramming into each other, and bodies flying and landing on the ground with a thud. From time to time, a collective shudder goes up in the group as particularly gruesome accident footages are shown.

The scene is from a class, but the class was not held in any school. This took place at the premises of the Metropolitan Traffic Police Department (MTPD) at Singha Durbar as part of the MTPD’s program to curb drunk driving. Most of those who are taking the class were found to be driving after consuming alcoholic substances.

There is no doubt that MTPD’s initiative has had positive effects: accidents have gone down by 16% after the measures were introduced. While there has been a modest 2% reduction in deaths after accidents, there has been a whooping 44% reduction in serious injuries. Most individuals who took the class came out looking dazed, evidently affected by the somber nature of the videos.

“I am definitely not going to be doing MaPaSe (Nepali abbreviation for consumption of alcoholic substance) again,” said Dipendra Budhathoki, a 41-year-old businessman, as he stood in line to collect his documents after the class.

The anti-DUI (driving under influence) measure is one of the rare government initiatives to have garnered considerable public support.

Ranjita Ghale, 23, has never driven under influence. But whenever she has guests who get drunk at her house, she gets the job of dropping them home safely because they are afraid of being stopped by the police. She does not mind the extra hassle and is instead supportive. “It’s for our own safety,” she says coolly.

But at the same time, MTPD’s measures still contain many loopholes and weak points that reduce their efficiency. Many people drive after 11 o’clock at night when there is no checking, or drive by alleys where they know there are no check posts. Also, people prefer to travel in cars rather than motorcycles when they drink because cars are stopped less frequently. MTPD spokesperson Superintendent of Police (SP) Basanta Panta theorized that this is because there are 500,000 motorcycles to approximately 50,000 cars.

“We stop only one car when we stop a dozen motorcycles, which gives the impression that we’re stopping more motorcycles. But it makes sense because there are fewer cars,” stated Panta.

However, some vehicles never seem to be stopped, which includes Traffic Police insiders and high-profile vehicles. SP Panta vehemently denies this charge, claiming a lot of bigwigs have been detained. But this statement is not enough to erase the impression of favoritism among the public.

“Everyone, irrespective of status, should be checked,” maintains Sailendra Koirala, manager of Sun Café and Bar.

Despite all these flaws, the point that gets the most flak has to be the zero tolerance of alcohol that the police enforce today. Medical literature tells us that tiny amounts of alcohol in our body don’t hamper our ability to make rational decisions. Sometimes we even absorb alcohol from harmless items like chocolates without realizing it. But in Nepal, the slightest amount of BAC (Blood Alcohol Concentration) can get your vehicleconfiscated for the night. A visibly hassled businessman Naresh Sah called the measure “terrorizing the people,” as he tried to get to the correction class on time.

Indeed, international standards are much more sensible. For example, in the US, 0.08% BAC is accepted. Though stricter than the US, most European countries are still more lenient than Nepal with a permissible limit of 0.05% BAC. But in Nepal, ASI Harisharan Poudel informed the class that the MTPD follows the Transport Management Act formulated in 1992. The Act in question specifies that a person who has consumed alcohol or addictive substances should not be allowed to drive.

“In the Newar community, it’s even traditional to take alcohol as sagun,” says Sangya Shrestha, 27, Associate Program Support Officer at Action Aid. “And in our times, drinking has become a part of socializing. The provision of zero tolerance in our law doesn’t make sense!”

SP Panta disagreed, claiming that zero tolerance is necessary, at least for a few years, because drinking and driving is so pervasive in Nepal. “We also know that alcohol is brewed in many homes,” he asserted, “so we cannot be lenient right now.”

But then, there are some areas where the MTPD is perhaps more than lenient, which provides loopholes to get away with drunk driving. One of them is their attitude towards female drivers. Far fewer women than men are stopped and checked. This has led to the trend of getting a woman to drive, even if she has consumed alcohol, because there is less chance that she will be caught. There are very few women performing the checks, the majority of the police on the field are men. And female drivers find it easy to avoid being checked by them.

SP Panta claimed that they were not lenient with women, and yet there was no woman to be found in the correction class. “Often we can tell by a woman’s appearance and behavior if she has been drinking. Since we know most Nepali women are not into drinking, we try not to harass them,” he explained, shedding light on how that could have happened.

Harassment, however, is something that a lot of drivers complain about, even those who are supportive of the measures to control drunk driving. When the police try to assess the driver’s drunkenness on the basis of appearance (read: by sniffing), sometimes they come too close and end up invading the driver’s physical space. This makes many uncomfortable, but surprisingly, this is not because the police lack breathalyzers. SP Panta stated that they had enough breathalyzers to go around for the field staff, and some to spare as well. “We have just ordered some more of them, so now we have 300 extra pieces of breathalyzers in our office,” he stated. But the practice of sniffing to assess drunkenness continues unabated.

Private sector employee Prabin Thapa, 27, has been a victim of harassment of another kind. Once, when he was going home on a Friday night, a policeman stopped him at Balkhu, and asked him “Why are you not drunk?” Prabin answered that he did not want to drink. “It’s Friday night, you must get drunk! Or maybe you’re carrying some in your bag?” the policeman asked.

It was then that Prabin realized that the policeman’s eyes were red and his speech was slurred. “Maybe we should check your alcohol level,” he remarked. The policeman instead yelled at him to shut up, and sent him on his way with a cheery “Go and get drunk now!”

Such incidents are not as rare as one would hope. Sangya, when she was halted for the umpteenth time, informed the policeman that she had been checked several times that day already. They replied with their most common refrain, that they were not there for recreation, and she must do what she was asked. And then she was asked silly questions including what is the color of a passerby’s dress, and what is the color of the traffic light.

SP Panta is well aware of these shortcomings of the field staff, and assured that MTPD will soon be providing “Service with a Smile.” Training for this program has already begun, and MTPD hopes to reach out to the people more effectively with this winning way.

One would hope that along with improving the services, MTPD would also work to tweak other loose ends. That would include avoiding multiple checkpoints on a single stretch of road, making sure all kinds of travelers are checked equally, and holding the checks at appropriate time. Most importantly, this would mean taking steps to alter the law of zero tolerance and giving the residents of the city more reasonable limits of drinking.

You drink, who drives?

While the ratio of drinks to food used to be 60-40 previously, now it is 40-60 in most restaurants. Sailendra Koirala, manager of Sun Café and Bar in Jhamsikhel, can testify to it. It is the same story with Backyard Food Joint and Pub where Neha Shah, the manager, informed that customers now leave earlier.

“Checking starts from 7 pm, and customers just have a sip or two of beer and leave at 6:30 pm,” she analyzed. She informed that if the customers stayed for an hour or two more, they would definitely drink more.

It is no secret that the entities hardest hit by Drink and Drive checks are the restaurants around town. Consumption of drinks in restaurants has reduced considerably after MTPD began checking for drunk drivers. Even though the number of customers has not reduced drastically, they tend to concentrate more on food than drink nowadays. This has resulted in a steep decline in profits for restaurants.

Neha believes many customers can drive perfectly well after a peg or two, and argues for alternatives that allow people to drink up to a healthy limit. “After all, restaurants that serve drinks are open until late at night, so how can you not drink?” she asks.

Neha herself employs one of the alternatives she talked about. Whenever her patrons need drivers, she calls Vigya IT Solutions. They provide drivers who can either drop the customer home in a taxi, or drive the customer’s vehicle. There is even a signboard prominently displayed on the wall of Backyard that says: “You drink, we drive.”

Tanka Ram Poudel, Director of Vigya IT Solutions, informed that the service they provide to Backyard is part of a pilot program that is in its third month now. Vigya IT Solutions is the technical consultant of the Taxi Association of Nepal, and they have handpicked about a dozen drivers from the Association who are on call to attend to restaurants. They now provide the “You Drink, We Drive” service to six restaurants: Moksh, GG Machaan, FC Sports Bar, Backyard, Falcha, and Retro.

“Services for drunk drivers are just one part of our program,” says Tanka. “In the long term, it is about providing organized night transport service.” To that end, Vigya IT Solutions also keeps a log of all the requests made and fulfilled, so that it is easy to go back and see which driver went where. This comes in handy whenever customers lose their possessions: their log makes tracking possessions easy. Tanka informed that this has turned out to be one of their strengths and most lost possessions have been found.

Vigya IT Solutions is looking to get restaurants and liquor companies to subsidize these rides so that the entire burden does not fall on the customer. “It will take a long time, but in the long term, the prospects for this business are endless,” says Tanka hopefully.

Indeed, drinking as a means of socializing has become a part of our culture, and the restriction on drunk driving has created a vacuum. As they say, necessity is the mother of invention, and the need for responsible drivers who can fill this vacuum has invented a new breed of services. In many countries like South Korea, drivers for drunks have become entrenched in society. And by the look of things, it seems not long before they become a permanent fixture of Nepali society too.

Flirting: Navigating dangerous territory

Kiran Tamang, 26, is studying in New York. Once she was visiting a friend, who introduced her to his roommate. When Kiran introduced herself, the guy immediately proposed to call himself ‘Tamang’ after her. Kiran was appalled, since she had just met him! “He is going to say the same thing to every girl he meets, and it’s obviously fake,” she says. “How can I trust anything he says?”

Flirting often gets a bad press because many people like Kiran do not trust flirts. But for people who enjoy flirting, it is way of getting to know someone, building rapport, and having a good time. There are many who crave flirting in their lives because without it their relationship has no spark.

As Andrew Bryant and Michelle Lia Lewis write in their book The Street Guide to Flirting, when you flirt with someone you are giving them a compliment: you are showing that you notice them. This obviously makes the other person feel good, and they respond positively to you. Many relationships start this way. For Deepesh, a 27-year-old student, good flirting includes wit, banter, and compliments that make the other person feel good. Deepesh’s relationship started after light-hearted flirting, and he still flirts with his girlfriend of more than a year. “It keeps the spark alive,” he claims.

In contrast, Shrawani Shrestha, 29, who works with an INGO, is dissatisfied because her relationship lacks that very spark. She is getting married in a month, but at this point she would get out of the marriage if she could. “My fiancée does not even send me two texts a day,” she pouts. “And when we do end up talking, it’s all about how many guests are coming and what kind of furniture we should buy for our new house.” She craves light-hearted conversation that could make her feel good and enjoy the relationship.

Apart from the feel-good factor, flirts confess to a very important by-product of flirting: confidence. Flirting has a symbiotic relationship with confidence. You need confidence to make the first move, and when your flirting succeeds, it raises your confidence. “Men are not really confident about approaching women,” confesses Deepesh. They feel inferior to the girl they like and wonder if she is going to like him. Flirting helps break the ice, and if it succeeds, raises confidence.

Some may be born with the skills, and some need to learn it. But one thing is clear: the skills can be honed and polished to an art form. Chartered Accountant Vijay Dhakal, 25, is a notorious flirt on twitter. Recently he asked a girl if her father was a nuclear scientist. When she asked him why he thought so, he replied that she was an atom bomb! These days his twitter feed is full of at least a dozen such witty one-liners everyday. But there was a time when he would not have made such a joke so easily, and definitely not in person. “As you progress, you learn how to talk to different kinds of people, it develops your communication skills,” he reflects.

“If my flirting succeeds, I feel like I have won a battle,” Deepesh laughs “and that prepares me for the war!” The war, according to him, is getting better and better at flirting, developing connections between people, and ensuring everyone has a good time.

But sometimes, it is very easy to go overboard with flirting and suddenly you may find yourself walking on dangerous territory. Prakash Dangol, 33, is a restaurateur based in London. Whenever his guests are leaving and he is around, he likes to help them with their coats. Especially the ladies. And if he is clumsy about it, he has an interesting apology ready. “I am not very good at dressing women, but I am better at undressing them,” he quips!

Many a time this statement has generated laughs from his female customers. “Easy, tiger!” the male companions say. Everyone knows that he does not mean anything by it, which is why his quip builds positive relations with his customers. “It makes people laugh, and that makes them feel comfortable,” says Prakash.

And yet with this line, it is very easy to offend the person you are addressing, or their partner. Drawing the line and developing a balance without raising any hackles is as difficult to navigate as a minefield.

What offends one person may be passé for another. For Deepesh, a lot depends on an individual’s sense of morality, and hence, the border of healthy flirting is individual. For grad student Priscilla Dhungana, 29, the line is clear. “As long as you don’t do what you are talking about, it’s fine,” she states. When she flirts, she does not do or say anything that she would not say to a friend. For her, crossing the border with flirting is a sign of danger. “When you are with someone and are beginning to fall in love with a flirt, maybe you are already in an unhappy relationship,” she cautions.

There are many other ways in which flirting could invite unwanted issues. Your flirting may develop insecurities in your partner, and your partner may have a hard time trusting you if you treat everyone with the same level of romantic attention. Vijay has had someone falling in love with his flirting, while Prakash was once invited to a partner-swapping party after his quip that he considered harmless.

Maneuvering such terrains can seem tricky to a beginner, but good flirts always have an exit strategy ready. They never say anything that they cannot back out of with another witty line, or at most, an apology.

Once you figure out how to stay way from sticky spots, the world is yours! Enjoy a healthy dose of banter for a sparkling relationship!

All names changed to protect privacy.

Why people flirt

·        I live away from home, and flirting is the most fun way to get company.

-Vijay

·        When I flirt, I feel naughty.

-Prakash

·        Everyone wants to be noticed, adored and praised.

-Deepesh

·        It’s a fun way to feel good. It’s best if you flirt with someone you know and are conformable with, so that you know they are not taking it the wrong way.

-Priscilla

·        If my partner flirted with me, I would feel more loved than when he tells me seriously that he will take care of me all my life.

-Shrawani

Where to draw the line

·        If there is one girl and a lot of guys, the girl may feel teased or harassed. Avoid this situation by flirting one-on-one only.

·        Avoid comments about physical aspects.

-Deepesh

·        It should not be cheesy. Once a guy compared me to Preity Zinta, and it was so obviously fake that I blanched.

·        Don’t get touchy-feely.

-Priscilla

·        You know it’s time to end it when the other person is falling in love and you have no intention of catching them.

-Vijay

·        You have to make sure your partner is ok with you flirting with others.

-Prakash

Arabian Nights: Book Review

Old wine

For most people, a genie means a cheerful being that is blue in color, has a humanoid body above the waist and wisps for legs, and grants wish after wish. This is one of the misconceptions that Arabian Nights can rid you of. In fact, genie, or jinn, which would be close to the original pronunciation, can be good, neutral, or even evil. For example, there is one story in Arabian Nights where a fisherman releases a jinn from a bottle, only to find that the jinn has vowed to kill whoever has freed him. The fisherman has a hard time putting the jinn back in the bottle and fleeing for his life.

Today, we perceive not just the genie, but many other elements of The Arabian Nights in an altered (say Disney-fied) form. Which is why reading the Arabian Nights is such a revelation; you get to find out that so many things are different from what you had believed. Arabian Nights is a collection of Arabic folktales, perhaps the most famous collection of its kind. It starts with a frame story where a Sultan is determined to marry a new girl everyday, whom he beheads the next day. The vizier’s daughter, a clever girl called Scheherazade, volunteers to marry the Sultan. She tells the Sultan a story that night, but before she can complete the next story, the night had passed. The Sultan allows her to live for one day to complete her story, but in this fashion, Scheherazade manages to go on for a thousand and one nights! The stories she tells make up the Arabian Nights.

In popular imagination, the Arabian Nights has been reduced to the saccharine sweet Disney story of Aladdin, a proper adventure that has become a formula of its own. But in The Arabian Nights, Aladdin is just a foolish lad who gets lucky, he has very little courage and adventurous spirit, there is very little of the charming rogue to him that Disney has invented. The Princess Jasmine is from China, and after the happy ending, the story goes on and on: the princess is kidnapped by the magician, she comes back, she turns into a nag, etc, which we never hear of in Disney. And no, she never wears that midriff-and-shoulder-baring outfit, she is always found clothed in flowing robes.

Besides, not all the stories in the collection are child-friendly, like Aladdin or Sindbad the Sailor. There are various versions of Arabian Nights, and depending on the translation, many stories are full of anecdotes that would make adults blush. This particular collection edited by Andrew Lang is relatively free of such innuendoes, illustrating how folktales have been edited over the ages to suit the tastes of children. But one can still find vestiges of ancient tales because, unlike Disney, not every tale here has a happy ending; there is as much tragedy as happiness here.

Another preconception the Arabian Nights breaks is about the portrayal of women in middle-eastern literature. Yes, the social structure is rigid, yes, they are bought and sold like slaves in the stories. But then again, there are many intelligent women who turn the situation around with their wit, many sorceresses who turn men into dogs and vice versa, and one particular princess who rescues her two older brothers from enchantment, and succeeds in adventures where they had failed. No wonder, the Sultan remarks, they hold her in high esteem and take her permission before any important step. And of course, the frame story itself is about a woman who cleverly saves her own life and that of many other nubile girls from a murderous Sultan.

The Arabian Nights has come down to us after a journey of several hundred years, and provides a window into Arabic society of hundreds of years ago. Conflict between Christians, Muslims and Jews are abundant in the stories. Alliances are formed on the basis of religions, and it is clear that Jews were despised. “I would rather throw this gold away than give it to a Jew,” says one character. Exotic princesses are mostly from China, Africans are either slaves or evil magicians, and Greeks and Persians are held in high esteem.

Interestingly, many stories in the Arabian Nights are familiar to us as our own folktales, proving that stories travel from one community to another with only cosmetic changes. The story of the lazy bum who marries the princess and makes it big, the story of older sisters who turn their younger sister, the queen, out of the house, only to have her children come back and avenge her, adventure stories where the hero outwits the devil to come back with riches are some such motifs that are found frequently in Arabian Nights.

Not just the content of the stories, but their structure is a revelation too. As you read on, you realize that these stories are not for those with limited attention spans. Characters from stories begin telling their own stories, and it goes on and on, sometimes ten stories deep. But in the end, sometimes the recessed stories are more interesting than frame stories, which often end without a ‘punchy’ conclusion.

For example, in one story a strange company assembles in the house of three beautiful sisters: one porter, one Sultan and his vizier, three men blind in one eye. The three sisters tell the men that they are not to question anything they do, in return for shelter. The men agree, but when one sister begins to beat their dogs for an exact number of times, the Sultan cannot resist asking for the reason. The beautiful ladies remind him of the condition, and tell the gathered company that now they cannot leave unless each tells their true story. The men do that, which makes for more than a dozen interesting stories, including the stories-within-stories. But in the end, when we come back to the original story, we don’t know who the three beautiful sisters are, nor the reasons for their strange behavior. They dismiss the men without explaining anything.

Such a structure is a characteristic feature of folktales: not all of them have a punchy ending, or morals. Most folktales are no more than simple communication; there may not be any message to take away from it other than to enjoy the story.

In conclusion, reading the Arabian Nights is more like reading poetry than fiction. The stories are full of magic, sorcery, fantasy, and romance, and plot is often secondary. This book takes you to the origins of storytelling: when stories were about sharing and connecting rather than projecting a certain message. A delectable ride if you have the time for it.

Feeding feelings

Saru was absentmindedly popping one chip after another into her mouth, enjoying every bite, when she realized with shock that there were no more chips left in the packet. And the packet was not a small snack-size one but a large-party container. How did she end up eating so much in one sitting?

When Saru thought about how she started eating, she remembered she had had a bad fight with her brother that day. Saru KC*, 35, was a journalist used to stressful work hours, but the added emotional stress from family problems put her in the worst of moods. Fuming from the conflict, she never realized when she picked up the packet and began eating.

Every bite she ate made her feel better, and very soon, the packet was empty. She had once again indulged in emotional eating, that is, eating to relieve stress, not to satiate hunger.

Mental health counselor Kent Rogers informs that often, food is the safest way out of stress. “Unpleasant emotions are an uncomfortable place to be in,” he says, “and many people seek the fast way out of it through anything that provides instant pleasure.” For some, it may be drugs, for some it may be alcohol. And for many, food provides a good feeling instantly, which helps them forget their problems.

People who indulge in such eating explain their fixation in various ways. Some say it activates the sensory organs, some say it gives them something to do and diverts their mind away from the problems at hand. Some point to the instant gratification that food gives. “At the time, you don’t even think about the weight you could be gaining,” says Pabitra Khadka, theatre actress at Shilpee Theatre Group. “When you’re stressed, nothing makes you happy. You eat food, and it immediately makes you happy, gives you a sense of fulfillment. You just want to feel better, and you know food will help you do so.”

Such emotional hunger differs from physical hunger in many ways. In physical hunger, you feel full after you finish eating, but in emotional hunger you can eat on and on even after you are full. In emotional eating, you don’t even have to be hungry to start eating; it can start from early in the morning.

“It’s a learned behavior,” informs Dr. Arun Kunwar, a psychiatrist at Metro Clinic. “From a young age, people realize that eating makes them feel better. So when they have a problem, solving it may not be in their capacity. But they know that eating can make them feel better.”

Like fever, emotional eating is a symptom, not a disease. Often, there are underlying problems that lead the person to depression, which causes overt stress. When you are stressed, your stomach secretes acids similar to those when you are hungry. This leads you to eat, and in some cases, overeat.

Sometimes the food helps you solve the problem you are facing. Shraddha Thapa, a journalist at Business360, once ate tubs of ice cream after she fought with her mother-in-law. “The taste of ice-cream melting in my mouth was so yummy, I just couldn’t stop until I finished,” she remembers. The delicious snack made her so happy that she went and apologized to her mother-in-law, which ended happily for all of them.

But though food may solve the immediate problem, it often turns into a bigger problem later. The foods that most people reach out for during stress are full of carbohydrates, because carbohydrates provide instant fulfillment, faster than other kinds of food. Unfortunately, this category of food is also the most fattening.

Popular comfort foods include sweet, salty, or greasy food like chocolates and potato chips. The sugar content in sweet foods give sugar high, which excite chemicals that make the eater feel good. But the high only lasts for a short while, making you crave more and more. Saru agrees, mentioning how gorging on chocolates had suddenly raised her weight when she was going through a particularly stressful period at work.

Often, people are unaware that their emotional eating is a problem, since they cannot differentiate it from regular eating. In such cases, just making the person aware of this condition has the potential to cure it. To make patients understand what they are doing, Dr. Kunwar simply asks them to reconsider the steps they take when they become stressed, and makes them realize how they are turning to food for comfort. “When they are aware of what they are doing, they start watching what they eat and controlling how much they eat,” says Dr. Kunwar.

But sometimes the behavior becomes compulsive when you cannot stop eating even if you try. Apart from leading to obesity, this compulsive behavior becomes a problem of its own, leading the person to doubt their self control and confidence. For Saru, emotional eating leads to a vicious cycle. After she gets so full that she cannot eat any more, she feels guilty that she ate so much. Then she starts feeling bad again, which may lead to another bout of gorging after a couple of hours.

Dr. Kunwar informs that in extreme cases, such guilt can lead to bulimia. In bulimia, in the first phase, you cannot stop eating, and in the second phase, once the guilt sets in, you start disgorging what you ate by forcibly vomiting. This leads to the person becoming underweight.

With the availability of different types of high calorie food rising, it is easier than ever to seek and find comfort in food. “Nepalis are getting wealthier, and that increases their access to items that were considered luxury in previous times,” informs Rogers.

There is no surefire way to cure it, because no drug can make you stop craving food. From the moment we are born and fed, food becomes associated with comfort in our minds. The association is intrinsic to humans, which makes it very difficult to stop seeking comfort in food.

Long-lasting solution to emotional eating can come from treating the disease and not the symptom. This kind of behavior is common among people who are prone to anxiety, depression, and nervousness. Hence, to cure emotional eating, you need to analyze your own feelings, and find out what is making you nervous and depressed. Only after addressing the underlying causes of your anxiety or depression can you get out of the habit of emotional eating.

*name changed

How to identify if you are an emotional eater:

• You become hungry suddenly instead of gradually.
• You crave specific foods, most often very sweet or very salty things like chocolates or chips.
• For anything good, you reward yourself with food.
• If anything goes wrong, you console yourself with food.
• You continue eating even when you’re full.
• Eating doesn’t improve your mood.
• You feel guilty after you’ve finished eating.
• Physical hunger is accompanied by lethargy or headache. If you don’t always feel these when you’re hungry, your hunger is emotional.